The typical phrases I hear are Where has the man I married gone to? This is not the man I married What could she possibly be thinking? Its like shes a completely differentperson. Im serious on that sorry to say. I hope you can see this. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. When he was telling me how wonderful our marriage was after DDay 1 and what a fool he was and how much he loved me, I believed it all. No begging or pleading. THAT sets a fire inside me and I just cannot help but start to ask him questions, which annoy him and he starts saying :This will never end. I am in disbelief this is happening to me because my kids are so normal and good. I think that woke you up a little bit. But hes not interested (right now). I dont even want to focus on all the ways hes hurt me, I just want to feel okay in my own skin right now and maybe he will see that and feel a connection again, regardless, I cant have days like today. Document everything including his abandonment of you and kids. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. It would have made me think long and hard and say, Geez. Tried and true solutions I learned the hard way. He told me the standard line love you but not in love with you and all that crap that goes along with it. One of the main characteristics of a midlife crisis is the recognition that you're getting older, often with some negative feelings attached to it. But lied about it and snuck around. I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. I KNOW in my heart he shouldnt be here. Thank you SO MUCH for your response. I did everything to make his life easy. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. Stop trying to fix it or him. He told me sunday I shouldnt make him dinner, I shouldnt do his laundry, he can handle it all himself. She had aborted 2 babies because she tried to trap men with a pregnancy and they didnt go for it. I loved him but I could no longer live with his infidelity (having been told in one day that he wanted a D, didnt want a D and wanted to be with me while dumping the OW and trying to cover it all up so I would have no idea). STOP focusing on what HES doing. He is very selfish. I would not give him a divorce so easy. I do know these things. I think thats the part that did the most damage. She was 40 my husband 58. 2. But wait already did. He has initiated sex a few times and slept in bed a few times, but the majority of time on the couch. So DDay2 I told him I was D him b/c I could no longer live with him cheating. I lived mine that for 6 months. (so untrue but whats the point), I said Okay, well YOU DONT, bc youre NOT HERE. My H never complained he had no freedom. He leaves for work and I just immediately feel like okay, heres another day to get through. I can totally relate. Whats wrong with me? Because our relationship was failing. I wish he had any idea how this feels. I am moving on and focusing on my self. I think of suicide quite often now. Exactly. You are not going to change him. Last year I lost and then gained 30lbs. And her H knows she means it. But this didnt fit the classic fog charateristics either. I knew he could easily write off other people, but never me. Work, go to the bar every day, and come home and see the baby, feel like im available even though he doesnt care all that much, and then do it again. I know that your last response was this past December so you may not even see this, but I am going through a similar situation and could absolutely use some advice. He shouldnt be living here. I deserve an award for keeping up that charade for many months. The first will not work unless he decides to do the necessary work. Im willing to do and try just about anything on my end that I can in order to hopefully help him want this marriage again, I just dont want to be disrespected and walked all over and its hard to know if thats happening when I dont know what I can trust., He told me in May (I think it was May) that he admires me when he sees me doing things for myself again and that it reminded him of the woman he fell in love with. But I also dont want to be walked all over and disrespected. But I also just hate this. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. I realized that because I was acting in a predictable way and giving you the safety net, that if I would have started behaviors that were unpredictable of me, I think that would have woke you up. Appointment with a D attorney to find out what the laws are in your state and what you are entitled to. And I let him back in 6 days later like an idiot and soon enough, it all falls apart again. One year ago today we were on a family vacation, I was pregnant, we were happy and excited. Maybe he feels differently, but I doubt it. I was not the cause of his unhappiness. I know my own value, yet I feel like I constantly have to prove it to him, when I have never felt that way before. In one session, Jeffshares his view of the affair fog and how both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can deal with it, while we asked questions and shared some of our experiences. Even when the girl came back I fought for him. He clearly isnt worried enough about losing me to where he feels like he needs to make a change. Its all so upsetting. Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. Ive posted an update on another thread as now my husband has said he wants to marry her in the future and have kids with her so I need to divorce him. If I told you the outlandish things my H said to me during the A you would ROFLMAO. He continued to cheat. I couldnt agree more! Now I dont even know him. I cant get out of my own head and out of my own way. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. It of course makes me assume theres the OW, or more than 1, but it does me NO good to focus on that or assume things in my mind and drive myself insane. And he has never used drugs and I have known him 35 years. He encourages you to go out and he will stay home, but yet does not want to stay home with you and your baby. Mine was 29yo OW when my H celebrated his 50th. Seriously?! I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing. I told him he had to leave. the last 5 weeks i have tried every thing to get her back. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed. I thought we were past the A. Everyone here will tell you the BS is powerless when it comes to the M and the CS. I feel like I have tried all of the above to get my CS out of the affair fog, its been 7 months and he is going strong with the OW. Very few know we are having issues. You are very smart. The fog was so thick. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. And do not mention the OW for now. Worry about what YOU need to do in these 24 hoursI wake up and read the 180 instructions almost daily just to motivate myself. Sunday mornings there were long lines. So again, after a few weeks we decided he would leave again, which was 2 weeks ago, and he never left. Once they truly hit bottom, Its like he wants to talk to me about his life sometimes and im ok with that, but I dont know where I am supposed to enforce boundaries. Hahahaha the stuff that come out of his mouth was unbelievable and so far from reality. I dont know if the OW and him are back to speaking, im sure they are, but even if not, sometimes I wonder to myself, if this is who he is, do I even WANT that? Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life. Im already seeing a lot of similarities between what he says and what is happening in our lives. Thank you for this. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. It kills me every, single, day. I cant even IMAGINE us being goofy and stuff like we used to be. He has started to be gone on the weekends, where he will go out Friday night after workfor all hours of the night and then go to work all day saturday (supposedly) and then go out saturday night all night. Money in your own name. I dont want him to look at us living together as roomates, but right now when were not working on us, thats basically what we are. Just to protect yourself. Youre absolutely right. You dont cheat. As I said, that is the risk. During that time we have experienced so many of the topics in this blog like gaslighting. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. doing whatever he wants. He eventually cut her off and I went back to him (well after falling off the deep end, booze drugs, sex and even tried out a relationship). However he was the one that came to his senses. For you I dont know how to get you out of limbo except 180. I dont seem to know how to achieve and stick to ONE thing. With all my might!! I am having SUCH a horrific day today. It was so bad I had to call the OW to see if she knew what was going on. Read my posts on this thread. At this point we decided he will move out, I told him he could stay but he said it doesnt work and he has no freedom there. I acted pretty blah to him today. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. I think thats all part of it. doing everything right and he has justified absolutely everything, and he seems like he could care less that im asking him to leave. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. They are just blinded at the moment. And Im not saying my confrontation w/my H stopped his A at DDay2. You dont need to explain yourself. I know it does. You are dealing with so many things narcissistic tendencies, someone not dealing in reality, porn addict etc. I want to be this busy person ive always been and do all these things, but im realizing that I did all those things before bc I felt so secure in my life having him as a husband. I had complete control and I was telling him what would happen. I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). Im so sick of being sad! I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. Separate. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. I didnt even think about the possibility of her having an affair. Why would he say it now when things were so good between us? WebMany of the symptoms of midlife crisis are due to hormonal imbalances that can cause anxiety or depression. I have no friends or family no job since he never allow me to and with the pandemic lock down I havent had any luck. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. At this point It seems so far, and thats crazy to me. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. I would find my poker face, investigated, laid low until I could see with my own 2 eyes whether it was indeed friendship that went to far or more. He went and laid on the couch and sent me a text saying lets finalize a divorce. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. But everything elseyoud come home, and Id be there. It his pattern. But To this day I see him as needed but the good news is that I can weather this crazy storm and still be a good parent and keep it together. How screwed up is that? How im SO insecure now when I never was before. It blows my mind honestly. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. Strong focused and determined. It really feels like if I give him any inkling that I want to be with him, he doesnt care. You have to be willing to face a possible second dday. When they were done yelling she would not even acknowledge except to say Can I help you?. It has been the most difficult time in my entire life. But re/read 1 and 2 above. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. Every thing I say im worried is wrong. Please trust me on this (and everyone else here who would give you the same advice). A cheater. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. I dont want to be around him. I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. Im not saying he is cheating now. It was a combination of things. Theres loss of your family life. I heard from my H of 25 years that he told me I only married him to spite my parents. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. A good portion of my time for this website is devoted to mentoring people who are struggling with infidelity in some way. And it wasnt as though the lies and truth were forthcoming. Hold your head up and be strong. I feel like I am beginning to hate him, so I am SURE he is continuing to see me negatively. I responded to his text saying You want a different life, and you should go live it. Determined to make my life happy again. I have no idea. I flirt with guys and send nude pics sometimes(which he has seen before) but I never really get the urge to sleep with these guys. What was happening behind my back, I think I could have handled a lot more because you werent walking in and lying to me. The discussions about her can be addressed at MC or in another conversation. In my case, I am the CS. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. i have not been supportive of her decisions. And he is so happy to still be part of this family he doesnt care or complain. They can tell the OW/OM the A is over. He is still to let me know what his result came up to. She is engaging with your H inappropriately. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. Divorce. Thats terrifying. WTF??! Im just like eye-rolling why now?, after Ive healed enough to completely see a future without him, why now? She said that it was a form of escape and that she would end it. Its RUDE to go out all night and not even inform me when we live in the same house and im at home raising the baby. And I feel like my value just decreases for him everyday we continue living together in a way. If you dont do it now you will have given up your power to him. He only associates with shady characters he knows will agree with him and who dont know us well enough to filter through his BS. Yet he continued seeing her and for 4 months was planning on leaving me and I had no idea. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. I was stronger when this first started. But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. You can let yourself get angry when he lies or you can accept he is ALWAYS going to lie and move on. Hanging out in bars. K. I suggested the lawyer so you know your rights just in case. Dont be me. Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. Its so weird. So even though I was led to believe our marriage survived his affair in reality his sffair was not over. Three weeks before my mother died ( yes this went on for over 7 months) I called his last whore and my husband was such an ass all he could say was he lied he lied he lied while this whore screamed at him all the things he said about me he NEVER wanted me to hear he just lied she didnt she opened my eyes to the POS my husband chose to be after the (truth phone call) call my husband bawled his eyes out that night in his recliner . Some people may end up leaving their spouse for the affair partner. He would not dare test out that theory b/c she would dump him in a heartbeat if he cheated on her. I have explained to him that I feel like he no longer respects me, which he says is absolutely not true, but actions speak louder than words. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. I said and did all those things. Great! It would be better to tell him that you love him dearly but you must separate until he decides what he wants 100% commitment to you or else there is no reason to continue being married. Even though I know right now we are not working on our relationship, we are just kind of co-existing, it is still disrespectful of him if he is speaking to her, and it only continues to put me in a negative light because he just thinks im always around, its like I annoy him. When you become less available you may see a change. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. Justify and rationalize the cheating and lifestyle choices in any way necessary. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. But at DDay2 he knew he was no longer able to do that. I think im just going to tell him about it and say if he would like to join us we would love it, but I have a feeling he isnt going to and then im going to take it personally. I feel like this was the best move for me right now. You are giving him every opportunity to repair the M. He is choosing not to. Then he texted me and said he would be out of the house asap and said so you dont think im fit to be a part of the babys life?.and when he says things like this I dont understand bc I never said that. I didnt know we had problems so it all has been a total rollercoaster. I did not mean to imply you should file for D. But know what your options are in the future. It will bring him up short. Or errands. Wait for him sure. He sees me one way and has painted this picture in his mind, and that will not change at all until im detached enough to where he has to face that im no longer controlling him, im no longer holding him back, and somehow hes still feeling the way hes feeling. Sometimes I feel like he just wants a way out, to escape. I would have confronted both, demanded he move out and only let him back if I was convicted it was over! The fact that he cant decide is a bunch of nonsense. All Rights Reserved. I begged and apologized. She is such a good person he would say to me. But with a plan B in place, a change in power and control in your marriage and the ability to stand up for what YOU and want, you can have a happy marriage. I felt like i had FINALLY gotten him to see the light. But THIS MAN isnt him. I became my mother. Sometimes I feel like he is feeling positively towards me and then sometimes I think he really cant wait to just get out the door. If my H comes home and tells me something that I suspect is not 200% the full story, I metely look him in the eye and calmly say I am sorry you dont have the courage or respect to tell me the truth. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. One day he seems to be terrified to lose me, and the next he cant get out the door fast enough. I think thats helpful. I know you are desperate to save your M. I was too. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? So I dont know where that puts anything, but i just cant focus on what hes doing like this. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. I went home around an hour later and he was there cooking dinner for everyone. It seems that were high on commitment but low on intimacy and passion. Theres no other way I know of, but to make them feel instant consequences for such actions. He continues to convince himself he is making all these great choices. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. Its as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, many times with total disregard for the betrayed spouse. But of course theres a way. As my friend from south America says if you dont want me I dont want you. Even if we did reconcile and moved forward, how would I EVER get past what hes done and all the texts ive read and the things theyve said to one another. I also have to stick to the 180, for myself. I know that hurts, but that is probably the reality of the situation. From his actions the last few months it appears as though you were headed to this point anyway. but it was the more i try to get her to see she was pulling a family apart and 2 kids lives. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. Instead, Dday happened during pregnancy, I was hormonal, emotional, scared to death, and unsure how the hell I was supposed to maneuver through this. Then it sticks.
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